After being tabulated, sorted, run, regressed, then crunched, the numbers have definitively and unquestionably proven that Joe Flacco is the most valuable player in football right now, leading the league in DANVPYGAR/G+ (Defense Adjusted Net Value of Passing Yards Gained Above Replacement per Game, with park and league adjustments), wEI4QFGCRAROR/C++ (Weighted Effective Impact on 4th Quarter Field Goal Conversion Rate Above Replacement Over Replacement per Completion, incremented by 1), and several other made up statistics.
Despite having mediocre numbers in conventional (and thus irrelevant) stats like yards, touchdowns, completion percentage, etc., Flacco truly shined in the hundred or so “advanced” statistics Satire V38 created through our patented “backronym” procedure – we randomly generate a string of 10 letters, then work backwards and try to make a statistic out of the acronym.
And since we fantasize about fully automated Excel spreadsheets and linear regression models, we also decided to conduct a computerized simulation of the rest of the football season to avoid having to watch any more actual football games this year. Thanks to our proprietary algorithms, we already know who will win the Super Bowl, and are already looking forward to the excitement of simulating the 2018 season.
Finally, as a purely academic exercise, we adjusted the variables in our models to control for an infinite number of possible outcomes for this season, so that we were 100% certain of our results. Though improbable, we now know that if a black hole engulfs the earth while simultaneously imploding due to a rift in cosmic space-time, the Packers will take home the Lombardi trophy and Ellen DeGeneres will win Super Bowl MVP.
Photo credit: The Baltimore Sun
