Though impossible, Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James has a 100.3 ± 0.2 % chance of representing the Eastern Conference in the 2019 NBA Finals according to our prophetic Excel spreadsheet models. As Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert once wittily noted, “LEBRON UR A BIG FAT MEANIE and ARE RUINING the league.”
Yes, the Celtics and Raptors are well-coached, versatile, extremely talented professional basketball teams that exist on the Eastern half of the United States. But even after simulating a season-ending, career-ending, life-ending, and Dwayne-Wade-telling-him-that-he-loves-him-but-not-like-that emotional injury to LeBron, he still managed to move LA east of the Mississippi by shifting the tectonic plates, deftly negotiate a mid-season conference re-alignment, and win Game 7 on the road against the Eastern All-"Stars" while fooling everyone again into thinking that James Jones is a competent NBA player as part of the longest running inside joke of all time.
Back out West we foresee a playoff race tighter than every muscle in Dirk Nowitzki's body—Chris Paul's struggling Rockets should finish within spitting distance of the 2nd seed, while the Jazz and Spurs battle for free court-side seats to Oracle Arena for the Western Conference Finals.
As for the Finals themselves? Well, as an ignorant fan unfamiliar with the rigorous analysis that Satire V38 does when we're not busy blowing national elections or miscalling March Madness, you may be surprised to learn that the Oakland-based Golden State Warriors are slight favorites. They have a significant edge in advanced metrics such as: Hall of Fame starters in the primes of their careers, number of Kevin Durants on roster, and complete bullshit free agent signings over replacement, adjusted for era. Our models have the Warriors outscoring LeBron James, JR Smith, and three rec league referees in the first one-game sweep in Finals history.
Shifting to individual accolades, we project that James Harden, Stephen Curry, and Damian Lillard will shatter what little remains of the notion that superstars should play defense. We’re also excited to see which traditional marker of excellence Russell Westbrook irrevocably tarnishes by padding to a meaningless extent.
Sixth Man of the Year is predicted to go to Lance "Stephenson" Make 'Em Dance, while Ben Simmons builds off a stellar Rookie of the Year campaign to nab Naismith College Player of the Year as well as McDonald's All-American Game MVP.
Our models are, however, much more uncertain about the number of pudgy white guys the Celtics will sign, the scale of the international geopolitical crisis Lavar Ball will cause, and the scale of the intergalactic crisis after he challenges the Monstars over control of the world's media.
