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Sorry For Not Protecting Your Information, You Dumb Fucks

A clear photo of Mark Zuckerberg against a white background
Mark Zuckerberg, the only man in the world who's not a blithering idiot. (Hi Eduardo)
Dear Facebook community,
You may have heard that a political consulting firm associated with Steve Bannon gained access to information from more than 50 million Facebook user profiles. This is a breach of trust. I am sorry for not preventing it, you motherfucking imbeciles who "skimmed" the terms and conditions.
We've already taken steps to fix the problem, like conducting investigations and limiting data access to third party apps. We've also implemented minimum I.Q. thresholds to ensure all Facebook users have brains larger than mid-sized walnuts. 
How did you not see it coming? Six years ago you willingly gave up your name, date of birth, and other personal information to keep tabs on your middle school band section mate. And last week at Applebee's, you volunteered unfettered access to your Facebook profile just for 30 minutes of free WiFi. Now you're mad because third party sources are leveraging the data you handed over to manipulate elections? Are you shitting me? 
Not to mention: you should have known not to trust a white dude in a hoodie. Especially after your high school weed dealer charged you $40 for a bag of stale oregano. 
Still, I'm technically in the wrong here, so I'll remind you which apps you've given information to. Thank you for believing in this community, even though you don't deserve to be a part of it. 
As my wife, Priscilla, once told me in Mandarin: Nǐ shì gè bèn dàn!
– Mark


Image credit: Facebook © 2017

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