By former Cambridge Analytica CEO Alexander Nix

MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Greetings, dear reader. I’ve been expecting you.

Remember when you wanted to know which character from Friends you would share a toothbrush with? I hope you’re glad to know it was Joey because now we know the future of your country. Nonetheless, in my infinite generosity, I have deigned to offer you dullards a brief breakdown of the Big Five personality traits. If any one of these descriptions sounds suspiciously like you, you won't even have to take the quiz!