and entering

Vulture Perches On Clinton’s Shoulder

This harbinger of death and despair is #WithHer!

DENVER, CO — Mere weeks after a small bird alighted on Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders's lectern during a campaign speech in Oregon, nature visited the presidential race again. This time, a sizable vulture landed on the shoulder of front-runner Hillary Clinton in the middle of a fundraiser in Denver and deposited the lifeless carcass of a black rat at her feet. To the glee of a roaring crowd, Clinton graciously accepted the offering and consumed the rest of the carcass on stage.

Bystanders did, however, find it difficult to concentrate on Clinton’s comments about strengthening the relationship between the US and South Korea as the vile creature clinging to her body emitted a series of aggressive screeches. Nevertheless, many were impressed by the former Secretary of State’s intimate relationship with the beast.

One Colorado resident described the scene: “At one point she pulled a dead ferret out of her jacket and fed the vulture. It was so cute! I can’t wait to put it on Instagram.”

The presidential candidate approached the incident with humility. “I just consider myself lucky to have been carrying several lifeless ferrets and weasels in my pockets,” said Clinton. “It really could have happened to anyone.”

At press time, Clinton was seen stroking the vulture’s hairless gullet and whispering guttural noises into its ears.

© 2016