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White House: The President Was Being Sarcastic About Eating Tide Pods

trump eating tide pods
If you can't handle ingesting a Tide Pod, are you even an American?

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a statement issued last week by White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, the Trump Administration clarified that the President never actually told Americans to eat Tide pods, only that it was, “you know, like, a thing that you could think about doing.”

At last week's daily Coronavirus press briefing, the Commander in Chief of a military force that spans the globe noted that “I’ve been thinking really hard about ways to beat this thing, and you just heard from a bunch of very highly qualified people–the most qualified in the world–but one thing they haven’t looked at yet is if we can beat it from the inside. Detergent kills the virus, and these Pods are like gummy bears for detergent.” 

News outlets immediately convulsed in horror, as the spontaneous analogy by the Leader of the Free World could have a higher death toll than the first wave of the Tide Pode epidemic in 2018. “WHAT. The ACTUAL. FUCK,” said Kate Bennet of CNN, a remark that echoed through the minds of many other reporters sitting there in stunned silence.

“The President is participating in a nation-wide brainstorming session, and is appalled by how the Fake News Media is shutting down ideas,” the Administration’s statement concluded. “This is a time for ‘Yes, and,’ and the briefing room should be a judgement-free zone.”

Reports say that the President is currently planning to suggest tonight that staying at a Trump property hasn’t been shown to NOT cure the virus.

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