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YouTube Lets You Edit Your Recommended Videos to Help You Forget You’re Wasting Your Life on the Internet

watching videos
Which ASMR (I mean theoretical physics) video should I watch today?

San Bruno, CA – Last week, YouTube released a new update that allows users to customize their “Recommended Videos” list after studies reported that 99% of people felt ‘crippling low self-esteem’ and ‘deep feelings of shame’ when they saw content like ‘Top 10 Fights Bachelor’ in their recommended videos, despite watching Bachelor clips for 5 hours straight beforehand.

Their memo stated, “We had wanted our recommended videos to reflect users’ authentic tastes and interests. But it turns out people fucking hate being reminded of who they are.”

After you show a YouTube clip during a presentation, instead of being publicly humiliated by the videos that appear in your auto-play, you can now replace ‘10 Hours of All Star by Smash Mouth’ with ‘Best of Beethoven’ and ‘(CRAZY) I try to eat 100 cheeseburgers in 1 day’ with ‘Stephen Hawking Oxford Lecture 3/10/2005’.

“I feel great about myself,” says one satisfied user as ‘My Mom reacts to PewDiePie reacts to Logan Paul reacts to Shane Dawson’s cats playing with slime’ plays in the background. “Now I see ‘Advanced Topological Spaces’ in my recommended and think, ‘Yeah, I’m a fucking genius’.”

At a press conference, a YouTube spokesperson said, “One of the most amazing things about YouTube is that it allows ordinary people to find videos on any subject, learn a new skill, and pursue their passion.” She paused. “But the truth is, most people just watch vine compilations until they die.”


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