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BREAKING: Egyptian Museum Steals Queen Elizabeth’s Coffin From Westminster Abbey

A man looks at a modern wooden coffin with a picture of Queen Elizabeth next to it that is behind the glass of a museum exhibit about Egyptian mummies
Not Pictured: Corgi Canopic Jars

CAIRO, Egypt—Days after Queen Elizabeth’s coffin was reported stolen from Westminster Abbey, the occupied casket resurfaced on display in a new exhibit at The Egyptian Museum in Cairo.

The museum denied accusations of graverobbing. “This gallery explores death and the afterlife, something which holds particular significance and meaning for the modern English. Queen Liz’s tomb belongs on display where everyone can see it,” explained Dr. Hawass, a spokesperson for the museum and professional Englandologist who received his PhD in England Studies from the University of Cairo. “There’s no better place for that than behind the bullet-proof glass of our museum, two thousand miles from where she wanted to be buried.”

The new exhibit has stirred up a “British Invasion”-style craze in Egypt at levels not seen since the last actual British Invasion of Egypt during the Suez Crisis in 1956. A film deal is reported to be in the works to produce an Egyptian reboot of “The Mummy” film franchise, allegedly refocusing to center on King Charles III's complicated relationship with his mother. 

While some Egyptian tabloids have raised speculation about the “Curse of the Queen,” a phenomenon that is supposed to bring bad luck to whoever disturbs the tomb of an English royal, Englandologists have refuted this claim. “This rumor probably originated from reports of the British royals’ poor health,” clarified Dr. Hawass. “But there is no such thing as curses. The myriad health issues affecting the family can actually largely be attributed to the uncivilized practice of cousin-marriage, a tradition still practiced by the British Royal Family today.”

When our reporters inquired whether The Egyptian Museum would be willing to return Queen Liz to her rightful homeland, representatives of the museum responded only with the following brief statement: “Maybe in a few hundred years.”

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