CAIRO, Egypt—Days after Queen Elizabeth’s coffin was reported stolen from Westminster Abbey, the occupied casket resurfaced on display in a new exhibit at The Egyptian Museum in Cairo.

LONDON, England—Both Liverpool and Manchester fans were disappointed yesterday when, after a grueling 70 years on the pitch, God failed to save the Queen.

“He’s just never failed us like this before!” cried one dismayed Englishman. “I’m pretty sure he was the one who told us to keep calm and carry on way back when things looked bleak in the first half.”

*Out of respect for British readers, this article was written in English Received Pronunciation. (Also known as a British dialect or the Queen’s English)*

LONDON, England—Bockinghim Palaess ass joss towld us aboeut Lizzie n awll. Iss a murkin shaeme ‘at vuh old wanker ‘ad to keick thu krumpet sew sooen. 

Oi! Woss Happ-pend is sum lads fink vuh queen dieyin iss uh bit sad n awll innit? Wyle tha reist uf os blokes seiy thvat witch woss ay bloody cheeky muppet.

Wei ‘eard frum sohm low-kulls abaioueght ther foghts ohn Elizabeth’s deaf n’ all: