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BREAKING: Queen Elizabeth II's Crown Juuls Stolen

Crown Juuls
The last known location of the Crown Juuls (actual size shown)

LONDON, ENGLAND—In a scandal that is paralyzing Great Britain, Queen Elizabeth II's most valuable artifacts, the Crown Juuls, were stolen early Friday morning from their glass case in the Tower of London.

Valued at three billion dollars—or approximately 750 million Cool Cucumber Pods—this crime represents a serious loss for the British people. The security guard watching over the room blamed “lightheadedness,” noting that the Juuls were gone in a puff of smoke.

The Crown Juuls date back eight centuries. At a British coronation, the new monarch is anointed using holy pod-oil poured from an amjuulla into the spoon, followed by investiture with robes and ornaments.
Prince William and his wife Catherine wrote in a statement, "The family is absolutely devastated. Those babies were, like, limited edition.” In a symbol of solidarity, many locals have released mango incense from their windows.
Though the Queen declined to comment, tabloids reported sightings of her roaming the streets with twitching hands and darting eyes. Inside sources claim that she was searching for diamonds, rubies, and nicotine.

In response to the crime, the United States has allocated additional funding to protect its own national treasures, Mount Kushmore, the Bongstitution, and the Bowl of Rights.
© 2018