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Catholic Church to Support Johnson & Johnson Vaccine After Realizing that “Johnson and Johnson” Name is Not a Euphemism.

Pope Francis

Vatican City, VC

  Pope Francis has announced that the Catholic Church will officially support its members taking Johnson and Johnson’s one-shot COVID-19 vaccine, despite its name. Though it has long been speculated that famously progressive pontiff would support all vaccination efforts, his reasoning for encouraging the shot’s use was quite unexpected.

         In an address from his papal balcony, Pope Francis had this to say: “To stop the saving of a life… over something so small… would be a shame…” This drew audible gasps from the few assembled bishops, listening from the Courtyard of the Gentiles, before the Pope continued: “Who cares if Johnson & Johnson sounds like a name for… uh… you know… my little pontiff… my 9th Bishop of Rome… my Pious the Riotous… if you catch my holy drift. The one-eyed monster in the room is not our fear of our member, it’s our members’ fear of the coronavirus.”

         Though it is tradition for the clergy to give the Pontiff carte blanche to talk about penises for as long as he wants, a few members attempted to inform him that the name “Johnson & Johnson” itself was not their prevailing complaint with the vaccine. Many bishops have cited the use of fetal tissue in the vaccine as their main cause for concern, ignoring, for now, the homoerotic subtext of a company named “Johnson and Johnson.” 

Though the assembled clergy attempted to inform Pope Francis of this miscommunication, due to social distancing requirements, no one could reach the pope to quickly inform him. The clergy did learn, however, that it takes a 79 year old bishop the better part of three hours to climb the 17 sets of stairs to the Papal residence. This delay, however informative, allowed the pope time to continue:

         “Look, I get it… I wouldn’t want to eat something called… uh… willie whoppers…pecker pieces... uh, cock candy, if you like... but if it was the only thing I had on an island…”

         At this point, clergy members began shouting from the courtyard below, but the Pope could not hear them over Madonna’s “Like a Virgin,” which he had begun blasting from the Vatican’s sound system.

         “We must…” Pope Francis reminded the congregation, “Allow the Johnson & Johnson to touch us… like it’s for the very first time.”

© 2021