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China To Replace All Google Searches With Seductive Photos Of Xi Jinping

xi jinping
Okay, imagine this, but...sultry.

BEIJING, CHINA - In the latest escalation of its censorship policies, the Chinese government announced this morning that it had reached an agreement with Google to redirect every search result to one of 12,000 photographs of President Xi Jinping in various seductive poses and degrees of nudity.

“We have always been dedicated to spreading information,” said Google CEO Sundar Pichai as reported in the Chinese government-owned People’s Daily. “Collectively, we concluded that beholding the glorious and invincible body of Paramount Leader President Xi is the only information that a good Chinese citizen needs.”

State-sponsored surveys reported that 114.3% of the Chinese population “wholeheartedly supported” the move, while an additional 47% had already credited the pictures with life-changing enlightenment. Photos with the highest number of clicks included “Reclining Xi” and “Bathing Xi Excoriates Capitalist Scum,” in which the nude president’s modesty was tastefully preserved by two strategically-placed soap suds. The two photos corresponded to the frequent searches "how to bypass new Xi filter" and "how to escape surveillance in China," respectively.

The new policy, however, has also given rise to some unintended consequences. For instance,  Xi’s office experienced a 10,000% increase in fan mail after searches for “What is the difference between Lil Dicky, Lil Yachty and Lil Pump” concluded that all three were, in fact, rotund 65-year-old Chinese men.

“In all honesty, this was our solution because we were just too lazy to keep deciding what was okay for people to see,” confessed an anonymous Communist Party official. “I mean, do you know how long it takes to filter through 45 million memes making fun of how white people all look the same? So we were just, like, fuck it.”

At press time, American president Donald Trump “totally, utterly, vehemently denied” rumors that he had already undergone an extensive photoshoot and reached out to Google about replicating the Chinese policy in the United States.

© 2018