BEIJING, CHINA - In the latest escalation of its censorship policies, the Chinese government announced this morning that it had reached an agreement with Google to redirect every search result to one of 12,000 photographs of President Xi Jinping in various seductive poses and degrees of nudity.

MONROVIA, CA- After erroneously searching “google maos” in the Chrome search bar for the fifth time this week, John Wilkinson, a 31 year-old Uber call center representative, threw his hands up in despair, scoffing “As if I would look to Mao for an example of a proletariat uprising.”

 “Armed revolution of the peasantry, what idiot thought that would work out?” Wilkinson elaborated, sipping out of an Intelligentsia coffee mug.