*Out of respect for British readers, this article was written in English Received Pronunciation. (Also known as a British dialect or the Queen’s English)*

LONDON, England—Bockinghim Palaess ass joss towld us aboeut Lizzie n awll. Iss a murkin shaeme ‘at vuh old wanker ‘ad to keick thu krumpet sew sooen. 

Oi! Woss Happ-pend is sum lads fink vuh queen dieyin iss uh bit sad n awll innit? Wyle tha reist uf os blokes seiy thvat witch woss ay bloody cheeky muppet.

Wei ‘eard frum sohm low-kulls abaioueght ther foghts ohn Elizabeth’s deaf n’ all:

“Oiy Jost caem back vrom holiday ann nou iss loike the ohld bugger of uh bag ‘ad her fooking head chopt awff. Wehll I saiy Tough Toilets! Thaht ballywonkus had iht couming; oy fink vey shood dig the maj uop an’ tohss er raight in tha Themes.”

Loads uvf ous uh-gree that her maj woz right stew-pid, buot sinz thess is ah proppeur news site, wei aff to enclude evvrybooudy. Sum chuffed sod gaive eis thots ohn tha mattah:

“I will always honour her valour, rigour, and demeanour. Since her passing, Parliament now has a grey colour at its centre and in every fibre. My neighbour heard of the queen’s passing on an aeroplane and had diarrhoea. Imagine grieving in an aluminium Loo at 50,000 Kilometers.”

Ohwll i’s ar now ohn vee new king, wots hes naem? Chaw-rulls.

“Lewks loike aowhld sausage fingers foine-lee goht es bum awn thu throwne!”