by Hand Soap

Hi there. I know it’s been a while since you used me. And I know it’s been rough: you moved off campus and I’m left on the floor of your in-suite Eliot bathroom. For a while, I thought it was me. I was the problem, I was the source of your unhappiness. Then I see her. I see her ethyl-alcohol base and I can see right through her and through you. You picked hand sanitizer over me, and I’m not angry like at all. I’m just disappointed.  

You might think that she’s better than me. But here’s the thing: I KNOW I’m better. I could have stopped the bubonic plague. Those rats have nothing on my sanitization. Just like my new found role model Lizzo said: “You could have had a stearic acid, 20 second committal, help you prevent COVID-19 just a little.”  

And I hate to tear that other sanitizer down, but she ’s quite frankly a one-pump gal while I make it last. Also you want to talk about destroying 99.9%  germs, I did some research and turns out that your new plaything has a lawsuit for the claim, turns out she’s not as good as she says, what a surprise.

I know there’s this whole pandemic thing going on and trust me I Get It. Sometimes people just grow apart but I think you still really need me. No, I KNOW you need me. Hand washing is a cornerstone of public health, not rubbing your grubby hands with alcohol. So I forgive you because I’m the bigger and better consumer product.  

Oh well, so while you run off searching for toilet paper and that little hussy, know I’ll be on the shelf next to her. She’ll surely be gone but now I know my worth.