and entering

It’s Okay, No One Was Coming to Your Event Anyway

An unliving, unconscious string of nucleotides whose sole purpose is to replicate

by COVID-19

I couldn’t help but notice the tear rolling down your cheek as you hit delete on the Facebook event for the two-week reunion of your daughter's christening over concerns of my ability to lay waste to the human species. But let's be honest. You didn’t have to do that. No one was coming anyway.

If there’s anything that my historic rise to fame should have taught you, it’s that the Earth is a godless wasteland and nothing you do can ever change that. Multi-color balloons from Party City? Nice try. Custom M&M’s? Delicious, but tragically inconsequential. Fun face-masks with cute animals printed on the front? Ineffective at containing my spread.

I know what you’re thinking: “but wait, my _____ party last _____ was a huge hit! Everybody at _____ couldn’t stop talking about it!” No, Karen, your Oscars party last Sunday wasn’t a huge hit. People couldn’t stop talking about the Oscars, not your party. The only reason that people went to your party over Melissa's was because Melissa had just been diagnosed with Coronavirus.

Look, I know this is hard to hear. That’s why it had to come from an unliving, unconscious string of nucleotides whose sole purpose is to replicate (and is silently growing more and more powerful in the bodies of you and everyone you care about). It’s easy to get caught up in the news, but don’t lose sight of the bigger picture. You are a genuinely uninteresting person, and no one would’ve come anyway. It's a pity I was the reason you had to cancel. Truth be told, there would have been so few people at your event I wouldn't be bothered to show up anyway.

Oh, and don’t even think about trying to host your stupid event virtually, either. Millions of bored teenagers are quarantined in their rooms ready to hurl digital insults at anything that moves.

© 2020