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Korean Peace Talks Mean Your Dumb Ass Has to Read the News for Once

Now your dumb ass has to squint.

SUNNYVILLE, FL — In a shocking turn of events, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and South Korean president Moon Jae-in started historic talks on the road to reunification and denuclearization of the Korean peninsula. While this is a big win for the 76.5 million people on the peninsula, this is a big loss for you: You dumb ass actually has to read the news for once.

The North Korean nuclear threat may cease to exist, but the more imminent threat of someone asking for your opinion in a casual conversation or—even worse—at a dinner party is just too high. This means that your uncultured ass actually has to pick up a newspaper for once in your goddamn life and read the words on the page so that you can throw together some semblance of an intelligible thought on the matter.

Though you totally skirted by on not following that whole Ronny Jackson story, and you completed avoid any news about the economy, it looks like the stakes of this baby are just too high, so you, a moron, have to open up the damn New York Times app.

Fighting between the two powers ceased on July 27, 1953, which is probably around the last time that a person like you actually took a break from watching the entire High School Musical series to tune in to CNN or MSNBC or even the goddamn Disney Channel Weekly Update.

At press time, you were neglecting your responsibility to become an informed citizen and reading an online list of every single breakfast food mentioned in the Harry Potter series instead.
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