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This Man Now Inexplicably Important

A real photograph of the man who might hold Britain's future in his hands.
LONDON -- Over the weekend, British Prime Minister David Cameron announced that British citizens would vote this June on whether Great Britain should remain in the European Union. This man-- pictured right here in this article-- became inexplicably important when he announced he would campaign for Britain's exit from the EU, or "Brexit."
When the news broke, it sent shockwaves around global politics. "I can't believe it," said German Chancellor Angela Merkel in response. "Are you telling me the citizens of Great Britain might base their opinion on what English Gary Busey says? Do they not realize I'm the most powerful woman on Earth?"
The man, pictured here stuck on a goddamn zipline, is reportedly the Mayor of London, a Member of Parliament, and rumored to be next-in-line to the Prime Minister's office. Now, the man once publicly shamed for giving his wife a "backie" on his bicycle says he thinks Britain would benefit from leaving the pan-European politico-economic union.
"I just think the EU has been encroaching on our sovereignty," said the man, presumably from atop a unicycle. "It's time we backed out of this bad deal," he added, probably leaping from atop that unicycle and effortlessly catching the bowling pins he was likely juggling.
At press time, the Office of Prime Minister Cameron released a statement saying he was "fucking done. I just give up with you poeple." 

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