Hopes for an amicable breakup were dashed on Thursday when sources reported the European Union’s determination to hold onto the Elton John CD collection at all costs post-Brexit.

After 24 years together, Britain announced its intention to leave the EU last June. Once the initial shock and hurt of the breakup had passed (as well as a tiny bit of relief that no one would need to hear a cockney accent ever again), the EU moved quickly to lay claim to the sweet songs of the Grammy Award-winning international superstar and king of funky glasses.

LONDON, UK -- After a historic day in British politics of massive voter turnout and a decisive victory for the "Vote Leave" campaign, the United Kingdom will no longer be a member of the European Union. Many citizens are hailing the decision as a turning point for the British people in a struggle against oppressive and undemocratic Euro-centric politics, while some so-called "experts" are describing the momentous vote as having "triggered the largest single-day crash in the history of the pound."