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Pope Francis Names 17 New Cardinals…And Two Pigeons

"Be free! Fly to Jesus! No, not Jesus the bird. The other Jesus!" said the Pope.

VATICAN CITY – Pope Francis recently had the honor of naming 17 beautiful cardinals and two honorary mediocre-looking pigeons in a deeply sentimental naming ceremony this past weekend.

The red cardinals migrated nearly 4,000 miles to greet the Pope at his residency in Vatican City. The Pope was reportedly standing on his balcony, gazing majestically off into the distance when he heard the beautiful song of “twittle twittle, twee twoo tee tee” and whipped out his professional bird-watching binoculars in pure excitement.

“This is the most thrilling moment of my life. Twittle twittle tee tee!” sang His Holiness as he flapped his robe and jumped off the nearest armchair. 

Pope Francis has reportedly spent weeks preparing for the cardinals’ arrival and let the entire world know of his excitement through his favorite form of social media, Twitter. “Jus bot 8,000 kg of bird seed & finished whistling lessons. gonna rest b4 the big day tmrw! Gawd bless,” tweeted Francis Saturday evening. 

As the cardinals were being named in the luxurious $6.4 billion ceremony, complete with gift bags for guests, Pope Francis noticed two lone pigeons watching wistfully in the distance. Adhering to his reputation as a progressive pope, Il Papa made an unprecedented move: he invited the pigeons up on stage to be named and perch wing-in-wing with their cardinal counterparts. 

Despite criticism from American rightwingers in the naming of two pigeons, Pope Francis staunchly defended his decision to honor the so-called “flying rats.”

“My most important duty as pope, aside from naming cardinals and ridin’ dirty in my popemobile, is to foster an inclusive and welcoming environment for birds from all walks of life, even if they’re butt-ugly,” said Francis.

Satire V received an exclusive look at the newly named cardinals. “This is Pedro, and Fluffy, and this one’s name is Blackface– don't ask. Oh and here’s Jesus. Obviously there has to be a Jesus. He’s my fave,” noted the Bishop of Rome.


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