and entering

Russia Confused Why Its Syria Airstrikes Keep Missing ISIS

Hum dee dum dee dum, just casually meandering over Syria, looking for those darn ISIS

MOSCOW — Russian officials have expressed confusion and surprise in response to allegations that it may have struck a refugee camp in Syria earlier this week, and that many of its airstrikes in recent months have targeted non-jihadist rebels in the country.

“We’re totally intervening in Syria only to strike ISIS, I swear,” said Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, “but for some reason, every time one of our pilots aims at an ISIS target, the bomb somehow ends up missing and landing on a bunch of US-backed rebels instead.” He added, “of course, all anti-Assad groups are terrorists that need to be crushed, but I can pinky promise that we aren’t deliberately bombing hospitals in rebel-held territory.”

Defence Minister Sergey Shoygu expressed similar puzzlement. “I hear some really weird stuff has been happening out there,” he said, sharing a recent anecdote to illustrate his point:

“The other day, apparently, a Russian Air Force pilot who just happened to be flying around in the area, because we withdrew all our forces months ago of course, saw this giant sign saying ‘ISIS IS HERE!!!!! RIGHT HERE IN THIS CROWDED REFUGEE CAMP.’ Like any good Russian citizen who just happens to be flying a Su-24 above the Syrian city of Idlib, he fired a missile at it, but then this really strong gust of wind blew the missile off course and caused it to land on a Free Syrian Army outpost. Government forces, who also just happened to be nearby, rushed over to make sure everyone was ok, which they were. So everything’s fine.”

“I’ve heard of other strange occurrences, like missiles being misdirected by lightning, missiles following a giant silver deer-shaped patronus onto rebel-held territory, and pilots being distracted by news of a new Beyoncé album right before they perform an airstrike and subsequently misfiring the bomb,” he added. “I think this might be part of a conspiracy to discredit us.” 

Turkey has reportedly been facing similarly baffling experiences, with artillery fire intended for ISIS somehow bending in mid-air to strike Kurdish forces instead, and the spread of a weird virus that has suddenly induced all opponents of Turkey's President Erdogan to plot seditious acts that forces the government to arrest them.

© 2016