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Santa’s Reindeer to Strike After “Optimization” of North Pole by Prominent Consulting Firm

The deer were not by any means Deloitted to hear the news; McWhimsy is, in fact, the Bain of their existence.

NORTH POLE -- Protests have rocked the North Pole this week due to a number of recent changes made by its administration. Most notably, reindeer’s pay and living conditions have degraded significantly following redesign of ICE-CICLE run stables as advocated for by the McWhimsy consulting firm.

ICE-CICLE (Ice Created Enforcement Concerning Integral Christmas Logistics Efforts) has garnered a reputation for swift, brutal enforcement of Santa’s policies. Their pointed attacks fall on many, leading to an estimated 15 fatalities annually. ICE-CICLE also operates the housing facilities in which Santa’s reindeer live. These facilities had their budgets slashed when elves at the prestigious McWhimsy consulting firm were hired by ICE-CICLE to help optimize North Pole operations. Despite pushback by ICE-CICLE itself, the consultants present help cut costs by cutting wages, decreasing reindeer pen size, and depriving calves of water.

“Rudolph doesn’t just have a red nose,” one striking reindeer commented, “He’s also had black lung since those elves replaced magic dust with a coal power plant.”

“We were just getting warmed up,” said Grimples, a McWhimsy consultant who worked on the ICE-CICLE case, “That is, until the PC police at ICE-CICLE made us pump the brakes, talking about ‘human rights’ and ‘basic fucking decency.’”

“This has really shown us that we aren’t the biggest shitbags on the planet,” one ICE-CICLE representative commented, “It’s really boosted morale at the office.”

With no end to the protests in sight, many have begun to worry that holiday deliveries will run late into early next year. Inside sources have reported that Larry Bacow fears not getting his coal early enough to burn it before Harvard’s campus floods.

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