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Scotland Prepares for Transition to Petrostate


Edinburgh, Scotland—Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond, wearing a traditional white thawb and an aqal headdress, addressed the press this morning to discuss his government’s preparations for independence pending the results of the September 18 referendum. Deliveries of millions of cubic meters of sand to Scotland were proceeding on schedule, he noted, as the country readies itself to assume control over the North Sea oil reserves.

“While we have admittedly faced a bit of a setback in attempting to start a rebel movement in the Orkney Islands,” Salmond said as he wrapped up his remarks and began heading towards his solid gold Mercedes, “the construction of an American air force base and the world’s largest indoor deep-sea fishing facility are well underway.”

Following Salmond’s departure, Cabinet Secretary for Rural Affairs and the Environment Richard Lochhead approached the podium and reported that the introduction of camels to the Scottish highland was far easier than anticipated. “Additionally,” he remarked, “Scottish farmers are handling the replacement of their sheep with goats rather well, and rumor has it that the addition of dates and grape leaves make haggis taste even better!”

Representatives from the British government appeared too panicked to comment on the developments, but His Royal Highness Prince Charles—current holder of the title of Prince of Scotland—and his 45 sons appear to be taking the changes in stride.


© 2014