and entering

United Nations Secret Santa Fails to Build International Friendship

If you want us to settle for 20 percent enrichment, you will not say another word about this.

New York City—In a year characterized by rising international tensions, a United Nations Secret Santa aimed at building international cooperation only exacerbated the rifts between various countries. 

Difficulties emerged from the outset, with Saudi Arabia and China opting out immediately. A Saudi spokesman claimed that his nation objected to the Christian-centric nature of the program, while a statement from the Chinese government condemned this "latest Western scheme to infringe upon our sovereign right to give gifts only to nations that have not hosted the Dalai Lama." Meanwhile, Iran complained that the Secret Santa invitation email featured a Santa that bore a strong resemblance to its Supreme Leader, but was persuaded to participate in the program through the threat of international sanctions.

A number of other countries privately expressed concern upon discovering whom they had been assigned to give gifts to. India was unenthusiastic about being assigned Pakistan, claiming that the only item on Pakistan's wish list, Kashmir, constituted a violation of India's territorial integrity. Meanwhile, the Slovakian Ambassador to the UN was overheard in the General Assembly whispering to her neighbor, the Slovenian Ambassador, that she was unsure of what to give Vanuatu as she had "barely heard of that place before" and "hadn't really hung out with them." Moreover, conforming to historical precedent, the United States withdrew its participation despite having proposed the exchange in the first place, which meant that Iraq wouldn't get a present this year.

The situation only worsened upon the exchange of gifts. The UN had to intervene to prevent North Korea from shipping nuclear technology to Zimbabwe, while Israel bombed the Sudanese convoy sending its gift of missiles to Lebanon. Ukraine complained to the Security Council that Belarus did not have the right to gift Russia bits of Eastern Ukraine.

Armenia expressed displeasure that Turkey's gift of a photo album entitled "Important Events in Armenia's History" didn't feature an apology for most of the events depicted, while Sri Lanka was not thrilled to receive all its migrant workers back as a gift from Qatar. In addition, a confused Singapore seemed unsure as to which entity claiming to be the 'legitimate' Libyan government to present its gift consisting of a large crate of contraband chewing gum that it had seized that year. Meanwhile, the Liberian Ambassador to the UN struggled to conceal his disappointment upon receiving only one hazmat suit from France.

However, not all nations were dissatisfied with their presents. Kyrgyzstan, for instance, was last seen writing Venezuela a thank you note for the massive shipment of oil. 

© 2014