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U.S. Cultural Landmarks Will Never Burn Down Because We Only Hit the JUUL

Henry the Elephant at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History ripping his JUUL after a hard day's work

In the wake of the tragic burning of the Notre Dame de Paris Cathedral, Americans are breathing easy knowing that their cultural landmarks can never burn down because they “only hit the JUUL." 

“Now that we know that the fire did not involve foul play, I can only assume the blaze was the result of some idiot Frenchman chain-smoking too close to the Cathedral,” noted James Smith, 17. “Luckily, US cultural landmarks will never burn down because we only hit the JUUL.”

The founders of JUUL have confirmed that inability to destroy World Heritage Sites was integral to their initial product design. “Of course in the back of our mind we wanted to provide smokers with a healthier alternative to cigarettes,” admitted JUUL co-founder Adam Bowen. “But our main motivation for creating the JUUL was absolutely to make sure that careless teenagers couldn’t accidentally raze centuries-old buildings over the course of a single afternoon.”

JUUL sales have spiked amidst the positive press coverage, as parents around the nation begin to realize the positive cultural impacts of the e-cigarette. “I must say I wasn’t positive I wanted my children JUULing,” noted Tricia Winston, mother of three. “But the knowledge that they are actively preventing the destruction of priceless religious art has really made me change my tune.”

At press time, a 10-year-old hitting a JUUL heroically stopped an armed robbery at the Smithsonian Museum when he inadvertently blew a cloud of mango JUUL vapor into the thief's face, causing the man to trip and fall long enough to be apprehended.

© 2019