By former Cambridge Analytica CEO Alexander Nix
MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Greetings, dear reader. I’ve been expecting you.
Remember when you wanted to know which character from Friends you would share a toothbrush with? I hope you’re glad to know it was Joey because now we know the future of your country. Nonetheless, in my infinite generosity, I have deigned to offer you dullards a brief breakdown of the Big Five personality traits. If any one of these descriptions sounds suspiciously like you, you won't even have to take the quiz!
Openness to Experience
Your preferences lean towards unfamiliarity, “progress,” and The New York Times. You favor new restaurants over old and consume The Daily Show in place of sincere news programming, like Fox and Friends. You are but a single droning data point in a sea of 50 million, easily simulated by a Twitter bot and subject to my every whim.
Conscientiousness
You are self-aware and conscious of your own actions and their implications. As such, you are thoroughly opposed to any policies that cause harm, like stripping the poor of Medicaid or hearing a conservative speaker on a college campus. And yet you remain blissfully unaware that your life is predetermined by an algorithm, buried within an all-encompassing Facebook feed.
Extraversion
You know who you are, and you’re not afraid to show it, as you proudly drive that pickup truck with the anti-abortion American flag decal blocking out the back window. “Don’t tread on me,” I hear you say to your clearly heinous countryman with the tie-dye shirt and pink protest sign. Luckily, our services mean you don’t have to encounter a dissenting opinion, and we can quietly farm you away from fanciful notions like “truth” and “democracy."
Agreeableness
You prefer compromise and finding the “general will,” provided you don’t have to actually revise your own beliefs to do so. If Rousseau were alive today, I’m sure he’d be appalled by this rampant polarization. Then again, he’d also have a social media profile, and we’d know his sexuality and political proclivities because he once filled out a survey about which Muppet he resembles.
Neuroticism
Stop biting your nails – our analysis suggests you’ll enjoy eating a KitKat or just hating immigrants instead. They’re coming for your jobs, people of Ohio! Or maybe it’s just a Chinese trade war that will leave you unemployed. Fear not; keep divulging data and your troubles will be allayed by your “freely chosen” representatives in this fine mid-term season – provided Mr. Mercer grants his approval.
Perhaps understanding a little more about yourself puts your dim-witted mind at ease. Regardless, your impressions have already been predicted and accounted for. Do keep adjusting your privacy settings – you know I love it when you play hard to get.
