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WHO Gives Paris Hilton Head

NEW YORK -- Hoping to attract young supporters and gain substantial press coverage, the World Health Organization announced this morning that socialite Paris Hilton will replace Dr. Margaret Chan as the specialized agency's Director-General.

"Though we are deeply saddened by Dr. Chan's departure, we unanimously agree that the heiress, actress, singer, model, and designer that is Paris Hilton will warmly fill our eager holes."

Sudan Replaces Genocide with Merited Killings

At his most recent press conference, Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir has announced that the genocide in Sudan has ended. Seeing the genocide overshadowed by such recent events as the election of Barack Obama, the economic crisis, and St. Patrick's Day, Dr. al-Bashir has decided that it is time for a change. Under the new lex legis, Sudan will opt to kill people only based on merit.

Gutenberg Invents Printing Press

In what will probably go down in the history books as one of man's greatest inventions, Johannes Gutenberg has discovered a way to produce ammonia from hydrogen and nitrogen at the industrial level. In lesser news, he has also found a way to automate the writing process. With the two inventions, many predict he will revolutionize the fertilizer industry, causing a boom in farming and negating any diseases that may be sweeping over continent. This will allow Europe to become the central world power for the rest of human history.

Recession Spares Africa

Despite the downward trending global economy, recent economic studies in Africa suggest that the continent is unaffected by the worldwide recession. The economies of several African nations might even be showing signs of growth.

Studies Show Positive Correlation Between Red Bull and Wings

Researchers in Austria have recently released the results of an extensive Red Bull study. Eighty-seven of one hundred subjects developed wing-like appendages, while all subjects exhibited an unnatural urge to urinate every twenty minutes.
The researchers asserted that they wanted to get to the center of Red Bull's claim of giving consumers wings. "We are merely testing the reliability of the product," said principal investigator Franz Isidor as he dropped a shot of Jagermeister into test subject 42's Red Bull.

U.S. Demands Holland/The Netherlands Make Up Its/Their Goddamned Mind

WASHINGTON, DC -- After an independent study revealed that 9 out of 10 American adults cannot find Holland on a map because they do not know what the hell it's actually called, the United States government has decided to take action by forcing the country to "make up its goddamned mind."

Lump In Shroud Of Turin "Just A Pack Of Smokes"

TURIN, Italy -- Earlier this week, Roman archaeologists announced the discovery of a pack of cigarettes in the left breast pocket of the Shroud of Turin.

"What we thought was the Gospel according to Jesus is, actually, just a pack of smokes," said archaeologist Claude Rousseau.

Revolution Televised in Stunning Digital Picture

With the purchase of his new Panasonic 42" digital television, Fernando Ruiz will see revolution tear his South American nation apart in a stunning digital picture.

"Did you look at those bullets?" asked Ruiz as he beamed intently at his new television. "Let me rewind - see, there, and there - okay that's a lot of bullets, but it's incredible how each one looks like it's really outside my window."

France Surrenders to Ennui

France shocked the world on Sunday when they raised the figurative white flag and surrendered to the ruthless, ever-encroaching, and yet maddeningly abstract forces of ennui.

According to eyewitnesses, French president Jean-Jacques-Nicolas-Francois Hohnhohnhohn emerged from his post-second-breakfast sieste and, his yawn quavering with emotion, made a vague, indifferent, somewhat ambiguous gesture with a white napkin he had tucked into his shirt-front after his last meal.

Bin Laden Sex Tape Receives Mixed Reviews

One Night in Tora Bora, a recently released sex tape featuring Osama bin Laden and several virgins, has received ambivalent reviews from Pentagon officials. “I normally prefer lots of girls on screen at once,” remarked CIA director Mike Hayden, “but it’s very hard to get aroused when they keep their burkas on during sex. Caves aren’t even very well lit in the first place. All I could make out were six sets of eyes and a giant beard. At least Paris’s tape used night-vision--throw me a bone, Osama.”