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New Gay Icon Just Bowling Ball in Wig

A pink bowling ball wearing a blonde wig

BRUNSWICK BOWLING LANES, LOWELL MA — Still hot off the disappointment of Lady Gaga’s Joanne and desperate for any object to look up to, gay millennials across the nation have started a fandom that worships a size 8 pink bowling ball in a blonde wig as their new icon.

#GiveElsaAGirlfriend, But Also #GiveMeAGirlfriend

TWITTER — In the past week, Frozen fans have started a campaign on twitter asking Disney to #GiveElsaAGirlfriend in Frozen 2. I applaud and fully support this campaign to make Elsa the first lesbian princess. However, I believe it does not go far enough, which is why I am calling on Disney to #GiveMeAGirlfriend.

Gay Community Bars Mormons

SALT LAKE CITY, UT--In a statement released to leaders in the community last Thursday, the gay community has solidified its policy on the Mormon Church. The community, while historically anti-Mormon, has come out in a shocking new statement that children born in a Mormon household may not receive a gay blessing or be gay baptized until they are 18. The community further stipulated that these children would have to formally denounce Mormonism.

White Straight Men Announce Merger With White Gay Men

After years of deliberation, the White Straight Men of the United States have announced their willingness to collaborate and share resources with the White Gay Men of the United States. Although the two groups have experienced tensions in the past, members of the former WSMUS have expressed regret for their past actions noting that progress is “inevitable.” Both groups have expressed optimism for the joint venture, which will henceforth be known as White Men Unltd.

Flamboyant Man's Grandmother Still Thinks "Gay" Means "Happy"

Local homosexual Gerald Carson was sighted aborting yet another attempt to come out to his 86-year-old grandmother in her Adult Living Apartment Complex last Sunday.
 
"I always hoped my grandson would be a gay, gay man!" gleefully remarked Eugenia Carson, marking Gerald's third failed attempt to use the word as an explanation that he felt most fulfilled when engaged in romantic and sexual relationships with other males. "At long last, my dream has been realized!"
 

Arkansas Comes Out as First Openly Gay State

Following months of speculation and way too much Prada trafficking through the state, Arkansas released a press statement confirming its homosexuality. Says Governor Mike Beebe, “I mean, come on. Everybody knows that the biggest bully is actually the biggest victim.”
 
Arkansas, known for its strident homophobia—exhibited on billboards denouncing marriage between members of the same sex by saying “No to gay, all day,” says it has just been covering up for a great shame to its evangelical pride.