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An Invitation from the Dean of Freshmen


Dear Members of the Class of 2020:

Having had a chance to talk to a number of you over the past week, it's clear that the election has occupied your hearts and minds. My mind, on the other hand, has been occupied by the ounce of Sour Diesel that I ordered two weeks ago in preparation for Question 4’s inevitable success.  Whatever your political position in this very polarizing time, I think it is important to stop and reflect, and if we join together in some “puff-puff-pass”, we can contribute to our country's healing. 

Katie Lapp Trapped Beneath Fallen Angels

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped beneath the Fallen Angels after their annual concert last night in Sanders Theatre.

University Relieved It Doesn't Have Women's Football Team

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In light of the recent revelations surrounding the Harvard men's cross-country and soccer teams' objectification of their female counterparts, the university administration expressed its relief that Harvard doesn't have a women's football team.

An Apology From Mongolia Men’s Conquering Nomads

On behalf of all of us at Mongolia Men’s Team of Conquering Nomads, we sincerely apologize for the harm our words and actions have caused Eurasians everywhere, and especially our close friends on the Mamluk Team. Our unstoppable armies have been blessed with the opportunity to know all of the great states of Asia and Europe, receive their cities and farmland, and form with them alliances built upon the unbreakable foundation of fear and military force.

Interviewee Overestimates Number of Golf Balls That Could Fit in Boeing 747 By 8 Orders of Magnitude

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Spicing up the dullness of on-campus interviewing season, Trevor H. Palomano '18 overestimated the number of golf balls that could fit inside a Boeing 747 jetliner by 8 orders of magnitude, causing his surprised interviewer to spit coffee all over the eager student applicant.

Jeremy Lin’s Donation Creates Linsanity Professorship of Romance Languages and Literatures

CAMBRIDGE, MA—NBA star Jeremy Lin '10 has announced that his million-dollar donation to Harvard last week will help renovate Lavietes Pavilion, improve financial aid, and create the Linsanity Professorship of Romance Languages and Literatures.


Bite-Sized Dessert Lover "Bit Saddened" by Strike Resolution

CAMBRIDGE, MA--After three weeks on strike, Harvard University Dining Services is back to work at full capacity today. Many students have expressed their relief that normal dining services have resumed, but Sarah Johnson '18 says she's secretly conflicted about the strike's end.

"On the one hand, I'm glad that the strike is ending and the workers have achieved their goals," Johnson confirmed to reporters. "On the other, I really like the mini-cheesecakes." 

Survey: "2012 Harvard Men’s Soccer Player" This Halloween's Scariest Costume

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A recent poll conducted by The Crimson shows that the creepiest Halloween costume this year according to students is a "Member of the 2012 Harvard Men’s Soccer Team."

List of Things that Didn't Last As Long as the HUDS Strike

As the HUDS workers' strike comes to an end, Satire V has compiled a list of things that didn't last nearly as long:

HUDS Strikers Build Guillotine in Harvard Square

Cambridge, MA – Following the arrests of 11 Union members last weekend, Harvard Dining Hall Strikers are raising the stakes, quite literally, by setting out stakes for the scalps of the HMC Bourgeoisie and constructing a makeshift guillotine between CVS and CVS.

“We didn’t think, when we put this part in the strike plan, it would ever actually get that far,” Union Leader James Gregson told us. “To be honest, it was kind of suggested as a joke. But we need to show the university we’re serious, and this seemed like the most logical next step.”