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Dean Khurana Fractures Foot after Walking Too Many Miles in Another’s Shoes

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Earlier today, Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana was rushed to University Health Services and diagnosed with a stress fracture following a 40 mile walk in another’s shoes.

AEO Announces Grand Opening of New Location in Highest Room of Tallest Tower on Mt. Everest

NEPAL – In a strategic move from Mt. Auburn to Mt. Everest, the Accessible Education Office hopes to level the playing field for all students. After catching wind of a state-of-the-art skyscraper recently constructed atop Mt. Everest’s highest peak, Harvard did not hesitate to stake a claim on the new real estate. Naturally, the administration decided that the AEO would be the most appropriate candidate for this new location.

HUPD Crime Log: March 2017

While you were away on spring break, HUPD was busy keeping Harvard safe. Here are some calls that came across the HUPD wire:
 
Officer dispatched to a report of existential angst. Subject had come to terms with own mortality upon arrival.
 
Officers alerted to an "old hag" shouting obscenities and disturbing students in Harvard Yard. Arrived promptly and apprehended the woman, one Drew Faust who claimed she was the president of the whole university - can you believe that? Officers currently keeping an eye on her.

95 Theses Nailed to Religion Department Office Ahead of Deadline

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Ahead of the senior thesis deadline, Comparative Study of Religion concentrators nailed 95 theses to the office of the Committee on the Study of Religion.
 
"The reception desk would have worked just fine," said a flustered Director of Undergraduate Studies Courtney Bickel Lamberth as she dislodged several theses from the office's door. "I don't understand how there are so many. We only have a dozen seniors!"
 

DeVos Wheels TV into Education Department, Plays Magic School Bus

WASHINGTON, DC – In an unprecedented move toward bureaucratic reform, newly-appointed United States Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos surprised her employees Friday morning when she brought a television atop a tall cart into Department of Education offices.

 

The Crimson Arts Reviews "Snow Day"

"Snow Day" Flawed But Compelling

By Galadriel T. Winnowsworth

Snow, from the Old English snaw, meaning “snow,” and day, from the Latin diem, meaning day. These are the building blocks of a snow day. Today’s Snow Day deconstructs the typical snow day, breaking it down to its most basic parts. It is this attention to the fundamentals that has made Snow Day such a rousing success among audiences across Harvard.

Drew Faust Burns Down Kirkland House for the Insurance Money

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Citing the fiscal benefits of arson insurance fraud, Harvard University President Drew G. Faust set Kirkland House aflame on Thursday.

Area Section Kids Resort to Memes to Espouse Their Terrible Opinions

Fuck you

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Holed up in dorm rooms to scour their Facebook feeds for any post into which they could insert their unwanted opinions, area section kids have reportedly resorted to using memes to assert their 10th-grade-level views on matters such as racism, classism, capitalism, and free speech.

Here Bygynneth the Book of the Tales of Dean Khurana

Khaucer
Whan that Khurana, with his shoures soote
The droghte of studente lyfe hath perced to the roote
And bathed every undertgradt in swich licour,
Of which vertu engendred is the flour;
Whan Khurana eek with his sweete breeth
Inspired hath in every holt and heeth
The tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne
Hath in the Yarde his halfe cours yronne,
And finale clubbe maken melodye,
That slepen al the nyght with open eye-
(So priketh hem Nature in hir corages);

Lowell House Renovation Designates More Spaces for Common

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Lowell House’s renovation plans reveal that the updated House will include more Common spaces.

Several rooms on Lowell’s proposed blueprint—including a lounge and a theater—are specifically marked off for Common, the 44-year-old rapper and actor.

“The University is really trying to focus student life in the Houses,” said Diana L. Eck, one of Lowell’s Faculty Deans. “And I think the best way to do that is to make sure that we have ample Common spaces. You know he has an Oscar?”

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