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The Most Notorious Phrases that Jesus Christ Always Uses in Section

We've heard them all! Satire V has compiled a list of all the typical phrases that Jesus Christ constantly uses in section:
 
Can we unpack that? Because even I, Son of God Jesus Christ, did not understand what you were saying.
 
Don't you just hate when you've just made a point, and Jesus Christ wants you to "unpack" it? What does "unpack" even mean? We all know you're trying to mask your confusion. Sorry, Jesus, but your lack of omnipotence is showing.
 

From the Archives: Jesus of Nazareth is Ruining the Economy

By now, we’re all familiar with the antics of the man calling himself The Messiah. What you may not know about are the devastating effects his carelessly executed “miracles” are having on the local economy. My name is Samuel. I’m a decent, hardworking fisherman, and I’m writing to tell you that Galilee simply cannot afford to keep this public menace around.

Ancient Papyrus Reveals Last Supper Actually Brunch

A newly recovered scroll sheds new light on Jesus Christ’s final meal on Earth, indicating that it was not the dinner described in the New Testament, but rather a hastily thrown-together Sunday brunch with his Apostles following a night of heavy drinking. The source of the Gospel is believed by historians to be Chad the Younger, Jesus’ former frat brother from the Galilee chapter of Alpha-Omega.