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5 Better Places to Hide Your Dead Roommate than the Farnsworth Room in Lamont

CAMBRIDGE, MA - We’ve all been there. It’s job hunting season, you’re stressed out, and you have to deal with the body of your dead roommate before the authorities figure out that they're dead. Lucky for you, we’ve got some tips on where to hide his body. All five of these places are better ideas than hiding your it in the Farnsworth Room of Lamont, which is populated by students at almost every hour of the day. Seriously, it will not take them long to find it. Trust us.

1) The Charles River

Area Student Still Doesn't Know Floormate’s Name But “Shit It's Too Late to Ask Now”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – After three months of living within twenty feet of him, Ryan Brown ‘21 still does not know the name of that student who lives across the hall. “Well shit, I can’t just ask him at this point,” he said, realizing the semester is rapidly coming to an end.

I Know You Have to Wake Up Early, But Why the Fuck Do You Need 7 Alarms?


I really wanted to talk to you about something when I heard you getting up this morning, but unfortunately I didn’t have time since I was busy trying to be asleep.

This The Week I Get My Life Together, Announces Roommate For Eighth Time This Semester

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Reaffirming reports that have circulated since January, Kate Allan '19 announced earlier today that this week would be the one where she "catches up on work and gets [her] life back on track."

Over a hasty Flyby lunch, the sophomore elaborated, "Yeah, these past few days have been absolute hell, but I just need to make to Friday. Then I'll finally have time to do all the club and job search stuff I've been putting off. Oh, wait, I need to finish my pset first. Fuck. The online quiz is due MONDAY?"

Science Center E Regrets Linking with Science Centers A-D

After forty years of half-hearted texts and occasional birthday get-togethers, Science Center E has finally admitted that linking with Science Centers A-D has not been as good as he had originally hoped.

“I’m so happy that we’re only a staircase away from each other and all,” said E, “but it just feels like I never see them anymore.”

B was not surprised. “I knew that this would happen from the beginning. C was always the closest to him, but ever since she got Science and Cooking, she’s been pretty preoccupied. I guess the rest of us just kind of forgot about E.”