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Delphic Worried It No Longer Most Disliked Final Club

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following the Porcellian Club’s public statement against coed final clubs, the membership of the Delphic Club are now worrying that their status as Harvard’s least likable final club, long accepted and a point of pride for the organization, may be in doubt.

List of Phonix Club Members Leaked

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Scandal erupted at the Maria L. Baldwin School this week when a full list of the Phonix-S.C. Club’s membership was anonymously leaked on the Internet via the website iminafirstgradeclub.com in what the website’s creators describe as an effort to promote discourse about issues of enunciation and vocal sounds on campus.

Ichthus Retracts Second Blog Post

The Harvard Ichthus has once again apologized for offending any “Jew-lovers” for “something that like, maybe could have been a little offensive.”

Benedict XVI Resigns Over Hitler Youth Hoax

VATICAN CITY—In a shocking turn of events, Pope Benedict XVI has revealed that his resignation is due to a group of cardinals discovering that contrary to his claims, Benedict never served in the Hitler Youth as a boy.

“His Holiness knew that he would never be granted the opportunity to serve as the Servant of the Servants of God without some form of Hitler Youth experience on his record,” said Benedict, who was known as Joseph Ratzinger before his time as Supreme Pontiff. “So His Holiness exaggerated a bit.”