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Harvard Reacts: Controversy over Admissions Practices

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Recently, the Justice Department announced that it will investigate Harvard's admissions practices, and now the university has come under public scrutiny:

"Admission should be based on one factor: How many 501c3s have you founded?"
        –Alex R. Watson ’20, Founder of Kids Taking on Chlamydia

Malia Obama to Doze Off in Expos 20, But Not Until 2017

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Malia Obama, the daughter of President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama, has to decided to doze off a little in Expos 20: Darwinian Dating after taking one gap year. The decision to defer acceptance to Harvard College is undertaken by around 100 students per year, who decide for a variety of reasons to wait one year before eventually falling asleep in their respective 20-level expository writing classes.
 

Why Harvard

The following was initially delivered as a speech to the visiting students accepted to the class of 2020.

Welcome class of 2020,

It is such an honor and pleasure to have you all here, and I want to thank you for considering Harvard.  

Many of you are weighing the option of attending another school. While every college has something to offer, today I’d like to make the case that there is simply nothing like a Harvard education.

Admissions Office Trashbags Full of Record Number of Applications

CAMBRIDGE-– Harvard’s Office of Admissions and Financial Aid ­had a record year in receiving 39,000 applications for the Class of 2020. As a result, the office also broke its record for applications thrown away, with more than 35,000 tossed out. Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid William R. Fitzsimmons ’67 was thrilled with the higher numbers.

“It’s tough increasing the number of applications we get to throw away every year, but we get it done,” he said. “This year was great-– we dashed the hopes and dreams of tens of thousands of kids!”

Dean Khurana Urges Wife to Consider Meal Holistically

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- After spending hours preparing dinner this evening, Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana reportedly urged his wife Stephanie to evaluate the meal on a holistic basis.

As the Faculty Deans of Cabot House sat down for dinner, Dean Khurana, who is also the Marvin Bower Professor of Leadership Development at Harvard Business School, stressed the importance of judging what he cooked on different dimensions. "Perhaps what it lacks in flavor, it makes up for in nutritious value," suggested Dean Khurana. "Not every meal can be flavorful, you know."

It Really Doesn't Matter Where you Go to College

In the coming weeks, college acceptances will start rolling in for a select group of high-school seniors vying to get into the three dozen or so most-selective colleges and universities in the country. Most seniors planning to go to college this fall already have been accepted somewhere, either because they applied early or they chose less-selective schools that notify applicants almost immediately of their decision.

Returned Admissions Records Just Covered in Penises

Thursday, Harvard sophomore Sarah Schultz, taking advantage of the recently confirmed FERPA (the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act), which grants enrolled students the right to request admissions records, received her marked college essay and Harvard application and was intrigued to find them just covered in drawings of dicks. 

Non-Sociopaths Still Underrepresented at Harvard

Cambridge, MA- Despite efforts to increase diversity at the college, Harvard’s most recent admissions report suggests that people capable of empathy continue to be underrepresented in the incoming Class of 2017. Although sociopaths make up less than 1% of the U.S population, they accounted for 54% of this years admitted students.