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Popes: Where Are They Now?

Clement I
Dead

Eusebius
Dead

Sixtus III
Dead

Benedict XIII 

Expelled from Avignon; dead.

Anastasius IV
Believed to be dead; may be living incognito in Paris out of fear of White Revolution.

Martin V
Dead

Clement IX-XIV
All dead.

John Paul II
In process of canonization. Still dead though.

Catholics Desperately Seek Excuse Not to Go to Church

In light of Pope Francis’s recent interview with several Jesuit publications, in which he condemned the Church’s intense focus on homosexuality, contraception, and other social issues at the expense of core teachings, Catholics worldwide are dismayed to find themselves without a valid excuse not to go to Sunday Mass.

Benedict XVI to Throw End of Papacy Rager

Following his resignation on February 28th, Pope Benedict the XVI will host a multi-million dollar function, to be known as “The Pope-a-palooza MMXIII,” in celebration of the completion of his pontificate. The event will feature solemn reflection, group prayer, and cake strippers.

Benedict XVI Resigns Over Hitler Youth Hoax

VATICAN CITY—In a shocking turn of events, Pope Benedict XVI has revealed that his resignation is due to a group of cardinals discovering that contrary to his claims, Benedict never served in the Hitler Youth as a boy.

“His Holiness knew that he would never be granted the opportunity to serve as the Servant of the Servants of God without some form of Hitler Youth experience on his record,” said Benedict, who was known as Joseph Ratzinger before his time as Supreme Pontiff. “So His Holiness exaggerated a bit.”

ESPN Launches College of Cardinals Bracket

Soon after Pope Benedict XVI announced that he would resign by the end of February, the College of Cardinals immediately geared up for what is shaping up to be the best March Madness since the famous “Crazy Conclave” of 1963 that ended with the come-from-behind win of the surprise underdog, Giovanni Battista Enrico Antonio Maria Montini, who after his victory celebrations took on the name Paul da Sixth.