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Space

They Can Put a Man on the Moon, but Area Man Still Resets His Password Every Time He Has to Get into a Goddamn Website

man at computer

BOSTON, MASS. — Reports surfaced on Thursday that—even though humankind has advanced to such a remarkable degree that people can go to the literal fucking moon—area man Billy P. Paulson still resets his password every time he has to get into a goddamn website.

Vladimir Putin Declares National Day of Mourning for Space Geckos

Moscow—Early Monday morning, Russian technicians opened the hatch on the newly-landed Foton M-4 satellite only to find that its cargo had suffered a temperature control failure while in orbit. Several dozen fruit flies appeared unharmed, but the five celebrated geckos involved in an experiment on sex and reproduction in zero gravity appeared to have frozen to death. Russian communities the world over saw an outpouring of grief for the reptilian cosmonauts, and official responses were swift.