SatireV

Breaking News

1.0mm Pencil Lead

Venmo

Complete Barbarian Promises to Download Venmo “Soon”

CAMBRIDGE, MA - After having no means of paying for dinner with his linking group at Border Cafe last Tuesday, local Cro-Magnon Gerard Green '20 reportedly said that he would download Venmo in the very near future.

The uncultured student had apparently never heard of the peer-to-peer mobile payment service that allowed for the exchange of over $17 billion in 2016. "You poor thing. How can you live like this?" questioned blockmate Sarah Chao '20, upon learning that Green was living completely unaware of this modern amenity that nearly everyone else on campus had downloaded.

How to Venmo Request Your Boyfriend for All of Your Unpaid Emotional Labor

A Venmo request for $500 addressed to "My Boyfriend" for "Educating you."

Everyone knows that relationships are a lot of work. You have to plan all of your dates, initiate all relationship conversations, and attend to all your partner’s emotional needs … all while staying completely grateful! In fact, relationships can take up so much energy that they become like second jobs. 

Here’s how demand proper compensation by Venmo requesting your boyfriend for all of your unpaid emotional labor: 

1) Open up your Venmo app