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QUIZ: Is This Quote from a CDC Handwashing PSA or Shakespeare’s Macbeth?

  1. Washing hands with soap and water is the best way to get rid of germs in most situations. If soap and water are not readily available, you can use an alcohol-based hand sanitizer that contains at least 60% alcohol.

Answer: That’s the CDC!

  1. Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather the multitudinous seas incarnadine, making the green one red

New CDC Study Finds that Coronavirus Steals Your Identity, Seduces Your Wife, then Frames You for Murder

A leather-jacketed coronavirus stands with your wife.

Chicago, IL – There continue to be new developments regarding the highly infectious novel virus, COVID-19. At first, it was said to be transmitted through person-to-person contact. Then it was found that coronavirus can survive on surfaces for several days. A Harvard study then concluded that the disease can cause patients to lose their sense of smell and taste. It was later reported that coronavirus can travel 13 feet in the air – twice as far as the social distancing guidelines – and even transmit through shoes.

CDC Follows CDC Guidelines, Announces Intubations to be Performed Over Zoom

NEW YORK, NY—As the shortage of Personal Protective Equipment (PPE) continues, the CDC announced today that all doctors will be required to perform intubations over the remote call platform Zoom. In person intubations, required for ventilation, have been deemed unsafe for healthcare workers. Lead spokesperson for the CDC, Dan Michowski, stated in a press release on the policy that “we determined it was time for America’s healthcare system to evolve with the times, and join the rest of the nation in remote work.”