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Search Committee Formed to Track Down Harvard’s Next President: David Blaine

With news of Lawrence Baccow stepping down from his highly coveted position as President of Harvard University, the search begins to locate the whereabouts of the next Harvard President, world renowned magician and escape artist David Blaine, who disappeared from the Harvard Corporation without a trace.

“Shit, he was literally right here!”

These words were spoken by Penny Pritzker, senior fellow of Harvard University, among the flurry of shouts and ringing telephones in the Harvard Corporation building this morning.

Club Historian “Just Polishing Up The Lit Review!”

CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a exec board meeting Friday afternoon, Harvard Close-Up Magic Club leadership was shocked to learn that, after a year on the board, club historian Elmer P. Arlington ’22 has been “hard at work” on a comprehensive literature review all year instead of just twiddling his fuckin’ thumbs.
“Yeah we made that position as kind of a joke,” HCUM president Jen T. Poole ’21 said. “Like, what was Elmer going to do, engage in rigorous historical scholarship in an attempt to intervene in current debates about our shared past?”