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5 Common Myths About Mumps

Myth 6: Jenny McCarthy knows more about dealing with these little fuckers than we do.

Hi friends,

As many of you know, mumps may or may not be back on campus. Your neighborhood HealthPALs and HUHS are here to make sure people stay healthy, especially after visiting family and while preparing for finals. In order to help you stay safe and be informed, we present these Five Myths and Facts about Mumps: 

Myth 1: If I don't go to the Phoenix, I can't get sick. 
Like most things final clubs do, mumps actually makes society at-large worse off. So even though we all wash our hands, and use soap when we wash our glasses, and get regular vaccinations, if a select few, who are literally across the street from UHS, can't learn to wash their dishes with soap and keep it in their pants when their face and testicles are swollen, we ALL get mumps and Dr. Barreira has to go on the local news.
Wash your fucking hands.
Myth 2: Mumps will kill me and I will die.
This is actually true, and it will also hurt the whole time you're dying. When we say "testicular swelling," we're talking at least a foot in diameter. And sometimes they turn green from loss of oxygen. Think watermelons.
Wash your fucking hands.
Myth 3: If I get mumps, I don't have to take my finals.
False. Greg Mankiw will personally visit you in a hazmat suit to deliver your Ec10 final. If, with your dying breath, you are unable to answer question 7, you will die incommunicado and we will preserve you in a cryogenic deep freeze until the point at which we can revive you.
Wash your fucking hands.
Myth 4: If I'm not male, I can't get testicular swelling.
False. You will grow testicles. They will swell. Watermelons.
Wash your fucking hands.
Myth 5: If I use a condom, I can't get mumps.
...please don't tell us you always wear a condom. Like to lecture and stuff. Like, I know we say "always use a condom" and things like that, but we don't mean that literally. 
Wash your fucking hands and stay safe and healthy during reading period! 
HealthPALs and HUHS
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