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Area Bagel Feels Life Isn’t Whole

"It really hurts my feelings-- it's like they stuck a knife right through me," cried Plain Bagel.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- With the rise in popularity of gluten-free products, many baked goods are struggling to maintain a positive self-image—and a local plain bagel is no exception. Although relatively successful in cafeterias and continental breakfasts everywhere, she has had a long history with low self-esteem, and in recent years this has only gotten worse.

While her peers reveled in the flour of their youths, Plain Bagel battled insecurities regarding her pale complexion. “Unrealistic standards of beauty were ingrained in me at a young age,” she admitted. “Hoping for a sweet tan like my best friend, Cinnamon Raisin Bagel, I almost burnt myself to a crisp lying in a toaster before our senior prom.”  

Plain Bagel has continued to struggle with self-confidence after entering the workplace. “Everyone in the office adores Everything Bagel,” she gushed. “Great personality, great job, great sense of style—she really has it all.” Her face fell. “No wonder I’m still single. I could never compare to Everything Bagel.” 

With the onslaught of negative carbohydrate imagery in recent years, Plain Bagel has finally reached her baking point. Her colleague, Sesame Bagel, reported, “Bagel began attending a self-help seminar with an emphasis on whole-wheat values, but it only made her feel worse when she discovered that there was nothing in her center but empty space. In retrospect, the seminar did seem kind of seedy.”

Plain Bagel has finally accepted that she kneads professional help. But after watching her loaf around for so long, her friends and family are hopeful that she will rebuild her crumbling self-esteem: “Get butter, Plain Bagel! We love and support you!”


Image source: stu_spivack/Flickr

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