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Satan to Honor Those Who Take Only the Crumble Part of the Apple Crumble

apple crumble
A yummy treat, ripe for crumble scooping!

HELL—Satan will host a Summit to Recognize Extraordinary Evil later this month honoring the bold men and women who, come dessert time, take only the delicious crumbly bits of the apple crumble, a spokesman for the Dark Prince announced on Thursday.

In a press release, Beelzebub expressed his eternal gratitude to all those dining hall mavericks who brazenly leave behind heaps of soggy apple gloop with very little tasty crumble to justify its existence. Lucifer also extended his invitation to the assholes who consistently fill up two or more glasses before you or anyone else waiting has had the chance to fill even one and the psychopaths who sit directly across from you at an empty table.

“So often, we think evil must be extravagant: a massacre, a ponzi scheme, a vicious psychological attack,” the Fallen One said. “But sometimes, evil is the quiet voice in the back of your head saying, ‘Suck it, turds, I’m going all crumble, no apple.’”

One invitee, Janelle Anderson, said she felt deeply privileged to have the Lord of Evil recognize her contribution to humanity’s collective exasperation and misery.

“I’ve developed a great scraping technique for getting maximum crumble with minimum apple, but I didn’t think anyone noticed.” Anderson told reporters. “It’s really such an honor to be invited.”

Attendees to the convention will have the opportunity to hear from speakers such as Stalin and the bully from your middle school, and will walk away with a grab-bag that includes Satan’s Guide for Living Sinfully and a list of other foods they can mutilate. Previous years’ honorees include Holocaust deniers, serial killers, and people who take your laundry out of the dryer before the cycle finishes. 

© 2018