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Greece

Eurozone Regrets Blocking with Greece

Amidst new threats from Greece to “leave and never come back,” sources confirmed that everyone in the Eurozone now thoroughly regrets choosing to block with Greece back in freshman year.

“Back when she first started having money problems, I was sympathetic,” says member nation Belgium. “But it’s been years now, and it’s about damn time she got her life together.”

Greek President Insists Sequestration "Not That Bad."

Washington, DC—In a conference call with President Obama, Speaker John Boehner, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, Greek President Karolos Papoulias insisted that sequestration wasn't all that bad.  

Papoulias, whose government has seen four Prime Ministers and two government collapses in the past 12 months, explained that slashing a trillion dollars from defense and social spending “wasn’t a big deal”. Greece’s EU-imposed austerity measures have forced it to enact similar policies, and Papoulias told American leaders that the whole experience had been “fun”.

Greek Government to Sing When Tipped

Taking a cue from Cold Stone Creamery, the International Monetary Fund, the European Union, and the European Central Bank are requiring the Greek government to sing one of several jaunty tunes whenever it receives a gratuity, in exchange for further monetary aid. The lenders hope that the jingles, as part of a string of new austerity measures, will encourage tourists and sovereign nations to give small donations to the debt-ridden country, allowing it to pay back long-standing loans.