and entering

Class of 2019: By The Numbers, A Month Later

Statistically, one of these students has contracted food poisoning from a food truck in the Science Center.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A month ago, the Crimson’s released “Class of 2019: By the Numbers.” The start of freshman year can be a turbulent time, so SatireV polled the freshman class once more to see what has changed since opening days.

Class Makeup and Admissions 

  • 90% of students really don’t understand why they got in.

  • 10% of students are now considered arrogant by their classmates.

  • 99.9999% of students have answered the questions: What’s your name? What dorm are you in? and Where are you from?


Academics and Extracurriculars 

  • 35% of students have changed their intended concentration to economics.

  • 36% of students are in CS50.

  • 64% of students have started to believe that CS50 is a cult (while only 20% believe that FOP is a cult).

  • 23% of students have started to realize that the word “Introduction” in CS50, Introduction to Computer Science, and Stat 110, Introduction to Probability, is satirical.

  • 112.8% of students have realized that midterm curves don’t make sense.


Beliefs & Lifestyle

  • 53% of students are starting to wonder what’s happening to the water pressure in their showers.

  • 13% of students would like to inform the Crimson that they are no longer virgins.

  • 64% of students have started to dislike the taste of HUDS food.

  • 26% of students will start to dislike the taste of HUDS food in the coming months.

  • 10% of students lack tastebuds.

  • 86% of students have now tried alcohol, of those, 46% have only ever tried Rubinoff and Keystone Light.


Image source: rosamielsch/Pixabay

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