and entering

Dean Pfister the Old Man from "Home Alone"

"And that, Kevin, is the true meaning of Christmas."

After weeks of investigating, Satire V has discovered that Donald Pfister, interim dean of Harvard College and Cartoon Network voice actor, is actually that old neighbor from the classic 1990 Christmas film "Home Alone."  

“At first, when I saw him walking around the Yard, I thought he looked really scary, so I stayed away,” said formerly frightened freshman Kevin McCallister, who is no longer frightened of the Asa Gray Professor of Systematic Botany but is still scared of many, many things.  “Then my PAF told me that ‘Old Man Pfister’ had murdered his family years ago with a shovel, and I was like ‘That makes total sense!’”

Kevin’s impressions of Old Man Pfister were confirmed one wintry morning, when he accidentally found himself in front of the professor’s house, where Pfister was using a shovel to lay down some rock salt for the morning ice.  The administrator reportedly turned around and, with a gleam in his eye, nodded at the student and held up his shovel in greeting.  Kevin, quivering in fear, quickly scurried away, while Pfister proceeded to wipe a tear of loneliness that was trembling at the corner of his eye.

The general terror inspired by the Harvard administrator did not go unnoticed by the faculty, who proceeded to do nothing because they also believed that Pfister was a "heartless killer."  Thus, the new Dean of the College found himself isolated and lonely.  He allegedly resorted to taking long walks amongst the dorms in the middle of the night, looking up at the lit windows and starving for human company.

“It was hard.  It was really hard,” admitted Pfister to Satire V in an exclusive interview.  “At first, I thought that maybe, just maybe, somebody talked to me, said hello, smiled warmly, I’d be okay.  But that day never seemed to come.”

In the absence of human contact, he says, he spent more and more time in his office, reading books and working on his "Magic Mushroom" blog. 

But according to eyewitnesses, everything turned around just last week at Christmastime, when young Kevin saw Old Man Pfister listening to his granddaughter sing in the chorus of St. Paul Church.  There, Pfister, revealing his warm and gooey interior, talked about how much he loved his family, whom he had not killed, but who had moved away for a very long time, which made him very sad. 

And now, finally, Dean Pfister has a friend.  In other news, it has been found that Evelynn Hammonds is the crazy bird lady from Home Alone 2.

© 2013