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DHalls Hate Him! This Student Lost Half His Body Weight Eating Only FlyBy

It's said that legions line up daily for a shot at this dietary miracle.


CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Area student Jackson Jones ‘19 reported losing a jaw-dropping 153-pounds after the new class schedule forced him to survive only on FlyBy sandwiches.


When asked for the source of his success, Jones said, “Well, before the new schedule I could eat a balanced meal in my hour lunch breaks, but with just fifteen minutes for lunch on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, the burden of full stomachs became a thing of the past!”

Jones went on to explain that the road to weight loss wasn’t always smooth-sailing. “The first couple weeks of the semester I didn't really eat lunch because I couldn’t figure out how to open the plastic wrap. But once I realized I could just eat through the plastic, I really fell in love with their PB& J sandwiches. They were sprayed with scented perfume and didn’t contain any actual PB&J, which really helped limit my daily calorie intake! But I always made sure to get my daily serving of vegetables by eating the 4 ¾ carrots in the carrot packs.” Harvard researchers also found that the physical exertion from waiting in the FlyBy line for so fucking long every day fuelled his weight loss.

“The transformation was pretty amazing,” said Hannah, his new girlfriend.  “I never gave Jackson the time of day, but then he swept me off my feet with watered down chili and 2 craisins.  He even convinced me to also go on the FlyBy diet, and now I’m rocking a healthy 89-pounds!” she said before being blown away by the air from a Cape Cod chips bag.

Grateful for news unrelated to lawsuits, the FAS administration recruited Jackson to become the new face of FlyBy, Inc. Just earlier this month, FAS distributed a video advertisement portraying Jones in pants as big as yo momma’s to him in his current size 10 jeans. They also secured him a marketing partnership with Oprah and Weight Watchers, who will be cutting all their weight-loss programs and just offering the FlyBy Diet to their customers. HUDS & FAS are also in talks of monetizing FlyBy. Although nothing is definitive, one current slogan idea is the “$5 Two-Day-Old Sandwich.”

At press time, a hungry Jackson was arrested by HUPD and blacklisted by his fans for secretly taking both tuna salad sandwich and PB&J.


Photo courtesy of the Harvard Crimson

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