and entering

Drew Faust Burns Down Kirkland House for the Insurance Money

"Burn baby burn," muttered Faust under her breath as she watched from the MAC Quad.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Citing the fiscal benefits of arson insurance fraud, Harvard University President Drew G. Faust set Kirkland House aflame on Thursday.

Faust, who is believed to have incinerated 95 Dunster Street in order to make up for the Harvard endowment loss of $2 billion, concluded that setting the dilapidated dorm ablaze was the most responsible option for new revenue. “That rickety brick Jenga tower was asking to get torched,” said Faust, the famed Civil War historian. “No one even liked that tiny house anyways. How else was I supposed to make some money? Light up Mass Hall? That’s so 1764.”

Many Kirkland residents were crestfallen at the prospect of losing all their collegiate possessions to a flaming ball of lighter fluid, but others chose to look on the bright side. “It certainly is unfortunate that my dorm is being consumed by an inferno, but at least this means no more fire drills at 2 am,” said Kirkland resident Megan Reed ’17. “Also I don’t think I’ll be seeing cockroaches in the d-hall any time soon, so that’s a plus.”

Others were worried about the pace at which the fire was expanding. “Initially, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to get momentum going. There is a lot of pressure to succeed at this university and I have a bit of stage fright,” said The Fire as it engulfed K entryway. “Eventually I realized I didn’t come here to impress anyone, but rather personal growth was the true purpose of my enrollment at a liberal arts institution. Also, all that alcohol in those kid’s dorms really helped me get the ball rolling here, especially room B-52. Seriously though that room is a biohazard. Whoever lives there has a problem.”

Kirkland HoCo member Curtis Ross ‘18 was glad no one was injured in the disaster, and wanted to reiterate that it was the President of the University who was responsible for the fire, not the students. “We didn’t start the Kirkland!” said a pretty stoked Ross. “It was always burning since the world’s been turning. And since Drew Faust burned it to the ground.”

At press time, Faust was seen taking a slow drag from a cigarette before tossing it to the ground, snuffing it out with her boot, and slowly walking away from the flaming wreckage, her cackling lost against the sonic backdrop of crackling flames.

© 2017