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Drew Faust Burns Down Kirkland House for the Insurance Money

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Citing the fiscal benefits of arson insurance fraud, Harvard University President Drew G. Faust set Kirkland House aflame on Thursday.

Dining Hall Fire Forces Linkmates to Get Lunch, “Catch Up”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – As a result of the closure of Kirkland House Dining Hall and subsequent relocation of House Residents to Winthrop, estranged linkmates Sarah Johnson ’17 and James Caldwell ’17 were forced to encounter each other for the first time in 11 months.  After accidentally making eye contact across the Red Spice Chicken in the servery, the pair decided to spend the next hour “catching up.”

Kirkland-Eliot Fire Does Not Interrupt Evening Existential Crisis

Cambridge, MA — Though students briefly evacuated Kirkland and Eliot Houses on Monday evening after a small electrical fire broke out, the situation reportedly did not impede students’ regular evening existential crises.

Colorado on Floods: “Well, It’s Different Than Fire, But I’m Not Sure It’s Better.”

 After weeks of punishing rains, the great state of Colorado has finally had time to reflect on the disastrous floods that have killed at least ten residents.