Cambridge, MA--According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped underneath a large puddle in Harvard Square.

“Dear members of the Harvard community,” reads the email, which was sent over the campus-notify email list, “While monitoring the status of the Harvard campus following several instances of severe winter weather, I stepped in a puddle on the corner of John F. Kennedy Street, Brattle Street, and Massachusetts Avenue. However, little did I know that the slush had mixed with the sediment of Harvard Square, creating a grimy Massachusetts quicksand that slowly and inexorably pulled me underneath the water’s surface.”

Lapp, who supervises the financial, administrative, human resources, campus services, planning and project management, development in Allston, health services, information technology, and diversity functions of the University, repeatedly called out for help to assorted passersby, students, and tourists. Because all were wearing earmuffs, her pleas went unheard. Yet, she managed to successfully send out her email from her phone in the final seconds before her hands disappeared into the mysterious oily puddle along with the rest of her body.  

“We will continue to closely monitor the forecast,” added Lapp in her email.  “Should weather conditions warrant schedule changes, we will distribute information through MessageMe and email.  Updates will also be posted to the Harvard Emergency page and 866-496-NEWS.”  The message was promptly sent again by the FAS Emergency Notification System and by Leslie Kirwan, Dean for Administration and Finance at the Faculty of Arts and Sciences; Stephen Lassonde, Harvard College Dean of Student Life; five House Deans at the College; several dozen other administrators; and a tourist using the Harvard Wi-Fi.

Although Harvard authorities initially thought that it would be much easier to discover the Executive Vice President, they soon found that the Harvard Square puddle was much deeper than initially anticipated, and connected to a vast subterranean network of snow runoff and ice-melting salt. Currently, Harvard Campus Services personnel are jabbing makeshift harpoons into the water on the shore of the Charles River in the hopes of catching a piece of Lapp’s clothing. Others are lifting manholes at random around Cambridge, peering into the darkness, and shouting, “Katie!”