Cambridge, MA--According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped underneath a large puddle in Harvard Square.

Cambridge, MA—“This is like, a decent amount of snow. I mean, not crazyyyy or anything, but there is a lot on the sidewalks,” conceded Becca, a sophomore from Montana, who had earlier scoffed on Tuesday of shopping week about how the school closes down “for anything.” Becca is one of many students from mountainous regions along the Rockies or in Alaska who on this, our third snowday of the semester, are begrudgingly admitting that the amount of snow in Boston right now is at least mildly impressive.

Cambridge, MA—Classes continued as scheduled Friday, despite reports of millions of locusts infesting Cambridge’s remaining coniferous shrubbery and devouring the latest shipment of HUDS squash. Professors prevented from coming to work by the plague of locusts, which closely followed the worst week of snowfall in Boston-area history and a curious incident where blood poured from a crack in the frozen Charles River, were instructed to inform their students of any changes to class schedules created by the incident.

According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped underneath a snowdrift.