and entering

Fox Club Closed After "Cootie Outbreak"

The scene of the outbreak.

44 JFK ST., CAMBRIDGE, MA – The graduate board of the Fox Club was forced to take drastic action towards their undergraduate members in recent weeks, resulting in the closure of the clubhouse due to what has been reported as a “cootie outbreak" following the admission of women into the club. This closure comes as a shock after female members were invited to join the club in what has been heralded as an “historic move.”

When reached for comment, member of the graduate board, Percival M. Pickens ’63, explained, “These young men, like many before them, have come to college to get more knowledge, and spaces must be protected for that. If that means that these girls must be sent to Jupiter to get more stupider, so be it.”

Moreover, the severity of the infection cannot be underestimated. The Center for Disease Control classifies cooties as airborne and spread primarily through Sara Bareilles songs and the sound of women speaking their minds.

In response to the crisis, a team of cootie catchers has been dispatched to the deal with the situation at the club itself. Although some agents were afraid to enter the infected zone, reports say that they were unable to refuse after being triple-dog-dared to. 

This news has also sent shockwaves throughout the final club community, At press time, members of the AD Club could be seen erecting a pillow-fort barricade with clear signage reading “No girlz allowed.”


Image source: John Phelan/Wikimedia

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